Welcome To Your 40’s -or- Out With Gout 2016

Welcome To Your 40’s -or- Out With Gout 2016

It’s a widely-known fact amongst my family and friends that I like scotch. OK, I don’t just “like” scotch, I LOVE scotch. My father-in-law is from Glasgow, Scotland and he’s responsible for introducing me to the sauce. “Johnnie Walker Gold Reserve” is my fave in case any of you are looking for that perfect gift for me. Or “Blue Label” if you wanna pool together the population of a small country to get me a bottle.

Among my list of guilty pleasures is shrimp. Well, most seafood really. Being from Nova Scotia I consider myself a connoisseur of such delicacies. Then there’s red meat. Oh, and I can’t forget the Tryptophan Express: turkey with LOTS of gravy. Love that stuff!!

Now, having said all that, research has proven that all the above contributes to a wonderful disease known as gout. What is “gout” you ask? By definition…

gout

g-out/

noun: gout; plural noun: gouts

1.
a disease in which defective metabolism of uric acid causes arthritis, especially in the smaller bones of the feet, deposition of chalkstones, and episodes of acute pain.

Here’s MY definition…

gout

g-owwwtch/

noun: gout; plural noun: gouts

1.
The Man Cold of the feet. If you gave the Invisible Man an invisible knife and he drove it into your big toe and moved it around for three or four days every month, that’s gout. If men could have a monthly period, gout would be it. God hates me. 

One morning last Fall I was suddenly taken down by indescribable pain in the big toe on my left foot. That little piggy caused me so much pain I actually had to complain to my wife about it. Her conclusion: gout!!! I immediately dismissed her diagnosis since I was far FAR too young and good looking to suffer from an old ugly man’s ailment. But three days of whining and one doctor’s visit later… I have gout. Damn my unwavering devotion to food and alcohol!!

So, 2016 will see me amending my diet, cutting down on the booze and maybe doing my hair a little differently. I’ll keep you abreast of my harrowing yet courageous journey to be gout free!!