My Heroic Tale of Survival
I received some bad news recently from the doctor at the walk-in clinic. It appears I’ve contracted a virus that could potentially be deadly to males between the ages of 19 and 93. It’s not the flu, cold or any other typical virus. It’s known to most as… “the man cold” or in medical terms “Man1N1” and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I’ll forewarn you. What you’re about to read is not for the faint of heart and may be quite graphic.
It all started a few days ago when I was shaving in the bathroom. Suddenly, out of know where, I had a sniffle. I really didn’t think much of it at first but then one sniffle led to another and by the time was finished shaving I was not only suffering from a barrage of sniffles but I felt a slight tickle in my throat. A tickle in my throat!! I tried to shrug it off as allergies but my man brain was telling me this was serious.
I went on with my day treating it as though it were like any other. But my regular routine was interrupted by a stinging sneeze. Then two! And finally a third! I never sneeze thrice!! What the hell was going on? What was happening to me? I worked out the day before so there’s no way I could be getting sick. Could I? Lunch time came and I had little an appetite. I could only eat 2 chicken burritos with extra hot sauce, a side of nachos with cheese, two soft tacos, 3 churros and a large Fresca. At this point I was becoming frightened. By late afternoon that tickle in my throat had evolved into a mild irritation. I’m a bit ashamed to admit I was so scared I went into a bathroom stall and sobbed for 20 minutes while surfing the Chive on my iPhone. This was getting serious and moving too quickly for my man brain to process.
The drive home was nothing short of a nightmare and I’m sorry if this gets graphic but while at a stop light I had to pull out a napkin I got from an earlier trip to Dairy Queen and blow my nose. I blew my nose at a traffic light!! I could only pray that my mildly tinted windows shielded me from judging eyes of other motorists. I began to shake and my muscles grew numb with pain. I shouted with conviction and a raised fist that I was NOT going to die in traffic!!
After a grueling 45-minute drive I finally made it to my garage. I mustered every bit of strength I had left and crawled from my car, slithering like a good-looking snake past smelly piles of garbage and recycling (it was the night before garbage day) and into the safety of my house.
I told my wife of my harrowing day. She looked at me with, what I perceived as, an understanding that my time was short and I should start saying my goodbyes. She lovingly told me to get out of her way and sit on the couch till dinner is ready. God, I love her so much!
I sat on the soft leather couch shaking and mumbling incoherently while I watched Star Wars Episode IV for the two hundred and twelfth time. My wife, God bless her, made me a mixed berry tea while I beckoned with a weakened voice (unlike my usual manly baritone) my children to my side. I told them I loved them and that I wanted them to grow up knowing what kind of awesome and very manly guy their father was. My oldest daughter replied softly with, “I broke a string on your guitar” while my youngest simply stared at me pickering her nose and eating it. Children are truly a blessing.
So here I am, day three of my man cold. The end is nigh. I bequeath all of my worldly possessions (except my Star Wars collectibles – they’re coming with me) to my loving family. My car I leave to the Bank of Montreal, to whom I still owe about $40,000 on it. To my wonderful dog, Guinness, I’d like you to look up “coprophagia” in the dictionary then go into the back yard and go to town! To my friends I leave you with my last words. Friendships come and go. We live our lives struggling to bring about a change in the fair nature of true beginnings and follow the through to… experiences… Sorry I can’t remember where I was going with this. I saw a squirrel in the window and it looked like he had a candy cane scarf. God, I’m $@&#%! Delirious!!
Good bye all!!
***UPDATE: My wife picked up some cough medicine from the drugstore. I’m feeling loads better!