Philosophical Dad -or- Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff!
Hey girls. I’m not completely sure why I’m writing the following but A) I just felt inspired to write today (while you two are upstairs making homemade slime with mommy) and B) I think you’re both mature enough (by the time you read this) to hear this.
I dunno why I’m feeling so philosophical today. Maybe it’s because I’m closing in on a half century of age (at the time I write this) or is it just one of those things. I realize there are fewer days ahead for me than there are behind and as I age, things become clearer. It will for you both as well as you grow older. But I need to focus on getting done what I need to do before I leave this Earth. I also need to determine what the hell it is that I need to get done. Mind-blowing, eh? I’m not going to get into too much detail about my thoughts on the afterlife, but in short, I know in my heart there are no pearly gates awaiting me in the “afterlife”. To me Heaven doesn’t exist. Heaven is here, with you both. As I grew older and more educated, I formed my own opinion that there is no God. I think for many, fantasies about an afterlife are mainly a way to cope with death. You form your own opinion. There is no right or wrong answer. But to me, everyone and everything dies. That’s just the way it is. For the longest time I’ve believed when we’re done, we’re done. Lights out. We’re worm food. Like a tree in the forest, at the end, our bodies just become a part of the Earth again. Our bodies are made up of atoms that are billions of years old. We’re the universe in human form. When we die, those atoms just move on to their next host. But we are immortal in what we leave behind. Whether that be genetics or something deeper like what it is that we create for future generations to enjoy and perhaps benefit from. I plan on leaving something behind to say, “Hey! I was here!”
I’m a creator. I create. Period. But short of a few good drawings, a short film or some photographs, I haven’t done enough to leave my mark. How will the world remember Douglas MacRae? I dunno yet. I know life will go on without me and it’s sad to think that I’ll be forgotten one day. Death doesn’t really scare me but being forgotten does. I don’t want to be forgotten. I want to live on in the minds and hearts of others. But how? That’s what I have to figure out before my time runs out.
You may have noticed that I don’t have a lot of friends. It’s not because I can’t make friends, it’s just that I choose my friends carefully. The ones I have I’ve chosen because they help me evolve. They make me a better person. Much like your mom does. I’m not going to waste time on people who are toxic or perpetually spew negativity. They can’t help me. And they can’t help you. So don’t waste your time trying to help them. It’s naive to think that you can change a person. It’s arrogant to think you should. I used to think that life was predetermined and yet I still look both ways when I cross the street. But we as humans are hypocritical by nature. You can’t afford to wait for life to happen. You have to give fate a nudge now and then. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
I embrace chaos. The chaos that is my job as a police officer (as I write this) and my job as being your father and your mother’s husband. I’m lucky in the way I can see in the heat of the moment that it’s not going to always be this way. Juliette, right now you’re forever asking me to pick you up in my arms and for the most part I do because I know there’ll come a day sooner than later when I won’t be able to do that. I’m in excellent health right now but even excellent health can’t go on forever. And as for your mom and I; there’ll come a day when one of us will have to live without the other. Life is temporary while love is eternal.
I don’t want to be a police officer any more. I love being one but more and more I’m feeling an overwhelming pull to leave it behind and get on with my life. The voice of my creative side is getting louder and louder as the years go on. God, I wish the signs were clearer and the risks not so great. But as I’ve always said, life owes you nothing. It will never play by your rules so don’t play by its.
I know this is pretty deep and a lot to take in but it’s simply how I’m feeling right now. I’m thoroughly enjoying my life at the moment. I love watching you both playing together. You’ll be all each other has when we’re gone so do as I do and don’t sweat the small stuff and embrace the chaos. Don’t run from it. When you live in the moment you can actually slow down time. And if you learn to do that at your age, you’ll be a powerful force.