So Long 2015!! -Or- Don’t Let The Door Hit Yer Ass On The Way Out!!

So Long 2015!! -Or- Don’t Let The Door Hit Yer Ass On The Way Out!!

Well, so long 2015! I’d like to say this was a banner year for me. I’d like to say this was even a great year but I can’t. Although I’m usually a “glass is half full” kinda guy, I’m breaking with tradition and basically saying that this year sucked ass. It’s OK, I’m cool with this. Usually I put my patented optimistic spin on year end posts but not this time. 2015 was a real bitch!

One thing about reaching mid-life is that by now you’ve figured a few things out. Mainly, you know who you are. If you haven’t figured that out by this point then you need to do some serious soul searching my friend.

Throughout much of my life I wanted to have a bodybuilder’s physique. I don’t mean Arnold Schwarzenegger-size, just really super lean and muscly. Prior to my wife and I having children six years ago I exercised fairly regularly over a good part of my life. I had the metabolism of a race horse and I could run a million miles without a fuss. No clue how much I could bench. I never really cared about that. But now at 46 I know that I will never have the body I sought after so eagerly all those years ago. I won’t say I became complacent but I definitely accept myself the way I am. I know that I don’t need that body. I don’t want it now. The Internet is full of people showing off their muscly bodies to “inspire” others. I don’t need to join those ranks. And not to wave any flags but my body ain’t too shabby if you know what I mean. I’ve reaped the health benefits in mid-life of exercising regularly earlier on and keeping up with it. I currently don’t have any health problems (knocking on wood right here). I’m pretty fit and even though I could stand to lose a few pounds I can still run a fair distance without much effort (always thought I was built for running). I won’t say I’ve been lucky. Luck is something brought about by chance and not achieved through one’s concentrated efforts. In a nutshell, I worked my ass off!!

My current career was chosen mostly out of necessity. I’m following in my father’s footsteps and growing up, I knew the job would always put food on our table and clothes on our backs. And no matter how much the economy suffered, I’d never get laid off. I don’t talk about my day job too much online or with friends in the real world. The job’s dangerous and at times thankless. It’s hard on my family but for now I need to do it and I do it well. In fact, I love it. It’s not the be all and end all of my existence. I work with some people that think it is and I watch them suffer for it. It pays the bills, puts food on our table and clothes on our backs. But I honestly don’t see myself doing it for too much longer. I predict I will resign one day in the not-too-distant future. But only after I’ve been able to sustain my family’s well-being through my creative passion. But here’s the problem. What do you do when you’ve lost your passion?

I know that life doesn’t often turn out the way we hope… or plan. To be honest, I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at 46, but then again, I had very unrealistic expectations when I was younger with no one to really keep me grounded. It was a fantasy free-for-all. In my twenties I planned on becoming a famous director/writer. I should have had about 30 movies out by now. I planned on having four mansions, three Lamborghinis, two Ferraris and a partridge in a pear tree by the time I was thirty. Well, I’m not too far off. I now live in a really big house and have all the above cars… but at 1/26th scale 🙁 My goal back then was to come home to my mansion and exotic cars and play video games late into the night on my 10,000 inch TV. My goal these days is simply to come home ALIVE.

Due to the stresses of my job and co-raising two beautiful little girls the flame of creativity is burning very low. It’s very hard to find the time to work on my creative projects and when there is time I find myself on the couch mindlessly watching TV or aimlessly surfing the Internet. It kills me to admit that but the vehicle of my creativity is stuck in neutral and I can’t seem to get it back into drive.

I know what you’re thinking, I wish I had HIS problems. It’s true. While I sit here being a whiny little bitch about my “problems” I have one friend recovering from a nasty brain tumour (is there a pleasant one?) and another recovering from a brain tumour but now facing an encyclopedia of other health issues which doctors have told him he won’t be recovering from. I work with a gal who is a single parent to three hyperactive children and is slowly going out of her mind balancing work and her home life. Another friend’s mom has dementia and she’s taken on caring for her when the rest of the family has pretty much jumped ship. My elderly neighbour’s home was broken into recently and now he and his wife live in constant fear of a sequel. A close friend has been out of work since September, friends in hospital, others barely able to make ends meet and then there’s me with the worst problem of them all; I can find my creative flame? Gimme a break! That’s like saying, “Oh you have cancer? You think that’s bad? Well, I can’t find my keys!” And the winner of the 2015 Insensitivity Award goes to K. Douglas MacRae!! *enter fanfare*

I seemed to have completely overlooked that, despite this year’s lows, my youngest daughter started school, I won a major award for a project I spearheaded at work, my wife moved her business to a new location and is doing exceptionally well (not surprised), we refinanced our mortgage, wiped out some debt, completed some much needed repairs to the house, we had an amazing summer vacation on beautiful Lake Muskoka (Ontario, Canada) and I have no cavities.

2016, I welcome you with open non-Arnold Schwarzenegger-sized arms. This may not be a banner year for me but it will be the year that I begin rebuilding and re-grouping the elements necessary to re-ignite my passion and find my creative flame.

I will also floss more.